Faith Like a Child

It shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone that I am a numbers person.  I don't always put a lot of faith in statistics, but that doesn't mean that I don't know them.  Unfortunately, in this season of life, numbers have really been my downfall.

There are so many statistics that get thrown around about miscarriages: approximately 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (though some doctors believe this is actually higher and many women miscarry before they even know they're pregnant) and about 80% of women who miscarry will go on to have a healthy and normal pregnancy.  I will admit that the 80% gave me a lot of hope for the future...at least until I read that 78% of pregnancies where there is a strong heartbeat on an early ultrasound (around 6 weeks) will end in a healthy pregnancy.  I had that ultrasound, I heard that heartbeat and yet it did not all end fine.

And, so, I will admit to having a lot of doubt.  Doubt that we will be able to have another child (I have absolutely no reason to believe this would be true), doubt that nothing will go wrong again, doubt that we will be a family of five...just a lot of doubt.  I guess it doesn't help that I would have entered that magical time in pregnancy by now.  The time when you're feeling better, when you start to really look pregnant (instead of just fat), and you start to feel the baby move.  I think of it often and still wish it were different.

And then there is Woodson.  Woodson, who finds a left over pair of baby socks (actually the ones he wore home from the hospital) in the back of his drawer and tells me he is "saving them for his baby sister."  Woodson, who tells me almost daily that he is "sad my (meaning his) baby isn't going to be here this summer."  Woodson, who asks about an old baby toy that has been in the attic for a long time and then says "my baby can play with that."  He came to me a couple of mornings ago and said "Mommy, I still really sad that my baby didn't get to come live with us."  I told him that I was too and that hopefully we would be able to have another baby someday.  He looked at me and said "It be ok, Mommy.  We will have another baby."  I guess maybe that's what they mean when they talk about "faith like a child."  I know I could use some of it.