Where I am...

The question I am asked most these days is "How are you doing?"  I have been answering honestly with "ok."  I am ok, not good, not bad...just ok.  This is what that means to me.

I said on Facebook yesterday that I made an attempt to start getting us all back on track this week.  I've been working on getting caught up on housework, getting the kids and I back into some activities, basically just trying to live again.  Honestly, it's been hard.  I've said "no" to things that I could have easily done because I have wanted to be home where I don't have to try to hold things together.  I've been quiet in some group settings and talked so much at others that I'm sure I was annoying.

Twice this week I was asked by acquaintances (obviously people who were not aware of the baby) if we "just had 2 kids" or if we "thought we'd have more."  I stumbled through awkward answers while fighting back tears.  Part of me felt guilty because I hate not talking about the baby we lost...one of my biggest fears initially was that this baby would be forgotten, maybe not by us but by others.  Yet, at the same time, it feels so strange to even bring it up.

I find myself facing daily (hourly?) reminders of planning we had done for the baby.  Whether it's notifications from Pinterest saying someone else has repined my nursery color (seriously, can I turn those off?), mentioning that we bought Alexandra's booster seat partially because it would fit in-between two other car seats, or just catching myself looking at baby clothes when I'm out.  I still catch myself glancing in the bathroom mirror every morning checking to see if my "baby bump" has grown before realizing it's gone.  I never knew a (relatively) flat stomach could make me so sad.  

Earlier this week the kids and I were at the hospital visiting Nat's grandma and we found out she would be heading home the next day.  As we were walking out of the hospital I said to the kids "Isn't it exciting that Gigi gets to go home tomorrow?"  To which Woodson answered "Why Gigi have to sleep in the hospital?"  So I said "Well, Buddy, her heart was sick so she had to stay in the hospital to make it better."  He looked at me and said "Mommy, you sleep in hospital and make ours baby better?"  If only it were so easy...  Three other times this week he has told me that he is "sad that we aren't having a baby" or that he "misses the baby in yours (my) tummy" or that he "wanted a baby sister."  Poor thing was so excited to be a big brother.

In a lot of ways I feel like I have been placed in a giant holding pattern and anyone who has known me for longer than about 5 minutes knows I am not good at waiting.  I find myself frustrated and annoyed because none of this fits into "my plan," which if you didn't know most of my adult life has. I am a planner and things that go against my plan frustrate me.  I have a lot to learn.

Finally, and possibly most shocking to me, is how I've had to deal with my own selfishness.  I believe that unborn babies go to Heaven.  Thus, I believe that our baby is already spending an eternity full of more joy than I could possibly comprehend.  The day I realized that I would rip him/her out of that to have a life here with me was the day that I realized how selfish I could truly be.

The good news is the days are getting better.  I find myself smiling and laughing more, though there are definitely times that I just don't feel it.  I know three other people expecting babies right around the time I was due and, while I can't say it's easy, I can say that I am genuinely happy for them and their families.  The pain has dulled and I am well past the point of the daily ugly cry and the initial feeling of absolute hopelessness has gone.  I have several friends who have listened to me ramble (and probably over share) and for them I am grateful.

So, to me, this is ok.  Happiness is getting easier, but still takes work.  I find myself out and feeling "normal" only to realize how much effort it is taking me to not fall apart at the sight of another pregnant person.  I don't know when/if we will have another baby, and am scared that I will face another pregnancy like a neurotic freak instead of with a sense of excitement and joy.

The good news is that I know that life does go on.  The sun continues to come up and the days continue to get easier.  So I take it all a day at a time and remind myself that the good days are beginning to overshadow the bad.  It's a learning experience, this life, and I have a long way to go.